Set the White Balance

I don’t like gray areas.

Gray areas are minefields, and in my work, I have to step lightly. Those shades of less vibrant color leave room for error that only the finest sense of judgment gathered through years of experience can avoid. And even then, you never know when someone with a slightly different perspective will come along and be just as right in a totally opposite way.

Yesterday, I attended a workshop on school counseling ethics. Sure, I picked up a few tips that will be helpful, but mostly what I hear at these meetings is, “If you do _____, you could get sued. Oh, and if you do _____, ______, or sometimes but not always ______, you’ll probably get sued and lose your job and never be trusted to work with people again.

So instead of being encouraged by consultation with my peers, I end up frustrated and anxious, worried to death that the next student in my office might tell me she’s pregnant/suicidal/planning to sleep with her 23-year-old boyfriend--because there are far too many ways I can handle that situation in the wrong way in spite of my best intentions.

With all of this ambiguity in my work, I need things in life that produce tangible results. After that meeting, I went to work out, and it was incredibly comforting to know that there was no real chance of encountering an ethical dilemma on the step machine. The measurable result of gaining an inch of muscle on my biceps or losing .5% body fat in the last month gives me the sense of accomplishment that is so hard to find while I’m at school.

In my photography class this week, I learned how to set the white balance on my camera so that when I take a photograph, the colors you see are an accurate representation of the real objects pictured. No gray areas…unless they really are gray areas. And it gets better! When I take a picture, I get to see the result right away, and sometimes, I even get to hear someone say it’s a good one. Talk about tangible results!

At times, I get concerned about being in the wrong profession, but I don’t think that’s the problem. I think I’m meant to be where I am, but it’s a matter of learning how to sit comfortably in the question marks. It’s all about finding ways to balance the side of my brain that has big dreams of saving the world with the side that needs to see visible change on a daily basis. It’s really all about seeking God’s guidance in the everyday situations so that I can avoid ethical pitfalls and be fulfilled not by toned muscles or good pictures but by knowing that God allows all of it to happen the way it fits best in His sovereign plan.

Restart

What I love about the holidays is the “Restart Button Effect” in which I get to reclaim the parts of me I’ve given over to work and other activities. In those glorious free moments of getting enough sleep, reading books for fun, writing, taking pictures, and spending real time with my husband, I somehow catch up with myself and gain new energy.

I think from that energy comes a restored perspective on the hope that exists in a new year. As our pastor said, when people have hope, they are more likely to make plans. And planning is one of my favorite things :)

Resolution One: Eat better/exercise more

I’ll start this one by saying that I don’t need to go on a diet, but I have three main reasons for wanting to eat better. 1) My favorite jeans don’t fit. This is a problem that needs to be remedied. This is a path that leads to nowhere good! 2) Similar to #1, I’ve recently see people I know who I thought could NEVER gain weight…gain weight. Sure, God has given me one solid metabolism, but I’ve been wasting that gift by being irresponsible with what I put into my body. 3) My grandpa died this summer, most likely of a heart attack. I have a special affinity for salty foods, and I don’t like to drink water. Those things together spell out potential disaster if I don’t make changes. So I’m not going on some kind of crash diet, just trying to change my thoughts about food and its role in my life. I want to create lifestyle change, so I have to do things I can live with. For example, I can’t say I’ll quit eating carbs because I can tell you how long THAT would last! Also, I don’t like running, so that kind of exercise is not going to get me to the gym each day after work. Instead, I’ve found a really cool program that allows me to be in and out in 30 minutes with no treadmill in sight! The last part of this healthy lifestyle is the whole water thing. Let me just say, NOT. A. FAN. But I’ve been drinking 75 oz. per day for the last 2 weeks, and I feel SO much better as a hydrated person!

Resolution Two: Prioritize my spiritual life by investing in my relationship with God

Long title : ) One of the things I see in my life is a lack of focus at this point. As a usually goal-driven person, this doesn’t sit well with me. One area where I’ve lost focus is in my relationship with God. I go to church, pray for people, read my Bible, etc., but I haven’t thought in a while about WHY I do those things. It’s almost like my work life is separate from my spiritual life, and I’m not thinking about how God wants to use me in my work. I often end up frustrated at work because I don’t think I’m doing a good job, didn’t feel like I had the right words to say to a kid, or feel like I’m lacking positive reinforcement from co-workers. All of this stems from a lack of seeing God moving in my work. He has called me to this work, so He will equip me. He will give me the words in various situations. And if I am doing my best based on God’s standards, I shouldn’t crave the praise of my co-workers. In order to work on this resolution, I’ve started doing my Bible study in the morning before work. This helps me set it as a priority so that it doesn’t get shuffled behind other activities, and it gets Biblical truth on my mind before the day has a chance to run away with itself. Other ways this resolution will be met are by, again, reminding myself that God loves me, and I don’t have to be imprisoned by fears about what others may think of me and by asking God to help me recognize lies I’m believing about myself and my life…and then replacing them with Truth. Books I’m reading/planning to read: Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore.

Resolution Three: Relax, have fun, and work on my hobbies.

I’ve been known for being way too serious…about EVERYTHING. I want to learn how to relax and enjoy life instead of always planning the next move or worrying about what may or may not happen. Meeting this goal will be aided by meeting goal #2 because when my priorities are right, there is time and energy for the fun stuff! One thing I am working on is doing what needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. In the long run, doing the dishes tonight saves a lot of time over saving them until tomorrow because I didn’t feel like doing them. Just an example :) As far as hobbies go, I’m going to keep trying to always have a book to read. So far, so good! Also, I’m taking a photography class so that I can hopefully learn how to take reallllly good pictures, which has been an interest for a long, long time! Oh, and there is also the Summer Vacation Planning that must happen soon! So many fun things to look forward to!

I’ve read that the average resolution lasts between two weeks and the first week of February. I think this is because we get caught back up in the toil of daily life and lose sight of the hope factor. My hope is to keep the “me” I often give up, and with it the energy to make plans and stick to them—not just for the sake of making resolutions—but because the things I want to accomplish will make my life a better place to be.

Chain Reader

I think my love for reading probably originated with my parents reading to me, but it took further root at Grandma’s house. I looooooved my grandma. She made me tater tots and chicken nuggets from the Schwan’s man and let me watch Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow after her “stories” were over. I remember feeling the absolute height of creative energy after watching Lavar Burton and the “don’t take my word for it” kids. I can’t explain, but that desire to CREATE something always welled up in me as I watched the reading of those stories.

When school was out this May, I decided that I would work on always having a book to read. Forced grad school reading and then the busyness of work had stolen my creative energy, but since I’ve been reading again, it’s a little like part of me is back, and I take out that desire to create things on my new “fancy” camera and my photo-editing software. And searching out more good books, of course :)

In an effort to share this love of reading with anyone who happens upon this blog, here is a quick (kind of rambly :) review of the top three books I read in 2010:

#1 The Help by Kathryn Stockett

This book was not only the best I have read all year, it goes on the top 10 list of books I’ve EVER read. This novel was the author’s first, and I am astounded at her command of storytelling. Please write another book soon, Kathryn Stockett!!

The story is set in the South when white people still had black maids they bossed around and didn’t pay very well. One of the main characters, the white lady, undertakes a subversive project to interview maids about their experiences in white households. Since all participants risk being fired or even killed by participating, it reads a little like a mystery. I’m big on character development and feeling like I know the people in the story (I sometimes even feel like I’m meeting new friends!), and this book knocks that one out of the park.

Read the book. Seriously, you won’t regret it. I also understand there is a movie coming out this year!! But please, please read the book first.

#2 Fried Green Tomatoes by Fannie Flagg

I did this one backwards and watched the movie before reading the book. I discovered the movie on Netflix instant, and it opened the floodgates of other 90s movies that I absolutely loved, most of them starring Sally Field, but that is a whole other blog post.

What I discovered from watching and then reading is that the movie does a very good job of following the book…probably because the author also wrote the screenplay. The story is great, set probably in about the same time period as The Help and also in the South. I guess there’s just something warm and comforting about books set in the South. Makes me want to eat something baked with a lot of butter and drink coffee!

The plot of the story is great, all about the development of a deep, lifelong friendship. There’s also a murder mystery, cooking, and lots of imagination. Character development is fabulous, and the best part is that you can later watch the movie and hang out with them again!

#3 The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards

This one had such a fascinating plot that other oddities in the book didn’t bother me too much. For one thing, the character development wasn’t as good as I would have liked. I guess I didn’t really like the characters. I think they call it being sympathetic toward the characters, and I just wasn’t. But like I said, the story line made up for that weakness. The dad is a doctor and ends up having to deliver his own babies in a snow storm. Surprise, it’s twins, and one is born with Down’s Syndrome, so he gives the baby to the nurse and tells his wife the it died. The rest of the book is their story of both kids growing up and the impact this decision/secret has on everyone involved. It’s intriguing.

I feel obligated to mention that there is a movie. I think it’s produced by Lifetime, which should give you some clues about its quality. It follows the book well until the end, though, so it’s worth a girls’ movie night if nothing else is on.

Honorable Mentions:

Scarlet Feather by Maeve Binchy

In this one, two friends open a catering service, and you get to hear all about their lives and relationships as the business gets started. Maeve Binchy is a great author and always writes a good page turner. I like her books a lot, but I have to pace myself at only one or two a year because many characters and situations seem to repeat themselves in different books.

And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie

A classic and a great mystery. Ten people get invitations to an island, and one by one, they start dying mysteriously. The host never shows up, and it’s up to the remaining characters to figure out whodunit. I was confused by all the characters at first, but I think it’s one everyone should read, especially anyone who likes the concept of the reality shows like Survivor.

2011...

I’m keeping better track of the books I read in 2011, so check back a year from now for an even more complete review! So far, I've read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (which I recommend and even watched the movie in Swedish--there were subtitles) and The Marriage Bureau for Rich People (which was so awful...so, so awful). :)

Another Fall Break

Sitting in Starbucks on my first day of Fall Break, I’m thinking about how different life is this year than at this time last year. We’re at the first nine weeks mark, and I’m feeling ridiculously blessed to be here instead of there. Last year at this time, I did a pros and cons list, which has been interesting, if not for anyone else, for me to look back at and, like any bad relationship, to be able to say, “I should have known THEN.” I think this post will be very different to look back on :)

First of all, school counseling is a whole different world than teaching. I don’t have to manage a classroom, and there is no discipline and no keeping kids in order, which means that I get to always be the “good guy” who encourages kids when they’re down. It is no secret that I really like being the good guy. There is no grading and no lesson planning, which means that I get to arrive at school when it starts and leave when it ends…instead of an hour before and after as was often the case last year. Trust me, 6:30 a.m. Wal-Mart runs for food lab supplies don’t really incite an, “I love my job!” response anywhere within me.

Second, you have to have a “cons” list, or it doesn’t seem realistic. However, I’m having trouble coming up with a down side to my job. I guess if anything, it would be that I get “stuck” in my office a lot, which means I’ve met maybe 30 kids of the probably 700. Another thing is that while I feel challenged in many ways (figuring out procedurally how things work, solving ethical dilemmas, and sorting through emotional difficulties with kids), I find myself craving more critical thinking and tangible things like statistics and data. Fortunately, once I get a handle on the first set of challenges, I’ll be able to incorporate the second set more easily. Contrary to popular opinion I’ve heard from counselors, I love the administrative parts of the job—testing, organizing test information, interpreting testing data, evaluation, and improvement based on that evaluation. LOVE my job! (Cons section fail! It had too good an ending!)

So, I love my new job, but I'm glad to be on a break! Tonight, we are headed homeward to celebrate birthdays and enjoy the atmosphere of relaxation and home. Here are some pictures of where we are headed.

Mr. Ramsey, I Respectfully Disagree

We have all heard it, many of us from America’s most prolific financial advisor: “Money is the number one cause of divorce in America.”

Not. True.

Money is like a thermometer that can reflect the health of a relationship. The biggest struggle about money is that we all come with baggage and beliefs about how money should be spent, saved, and handled. These beliefs generally have deep roots and come emotionally charged because it is part of our human nature to see money as a representation of status, security, and the control we are able to exert over our lives.

In marriage, we are vulnerable to being challenged about our status, security, and sense of control over our lives. When we choose to live with another person 24/7, we give up a little of the control we felt when we were single. We now depend on that person and they way they handle money for part of our security, and their status affects ours. And the trouble is that they grew up seeing money differently than we did.

Imagine Couple A. Husband A grew up in a family where money seemed to grow on trees, so he thinks nothing of spending a large portion of the month’s income on entertainment. Wife A grew up in a family that scrimped and saved and budgeted down to the last penny. Wife A is soon going to feel very insecure about the well-being of her family, while Husband A is going to feel restricted by his “tightwad” of a wife. He may fear that she will try to control him in other aspects of their marriage. She fears they won’t be able to enjoy life because of money trouble.

If Couple A never sorts through the beliefs and fears they have about money, then money will become a problem in their marriage. But is the money the problem? Or is it the inability to get to the bottom of their vulnerabilities and expectations about money? When Jesus says that the root of all evil is money, I don’t think He means the money itself. I think He means the way we deal with money—idolization, refusal to let go of our beliefs and let Him work on how we handle it. Often, I think God allows us to be shaped and challenged by our partner so that we can grow.

I think the couple who is able to sort through the emotional mess that is represented by money is the couple who is able to sort through the issues in all the other areas of marriage as well. The couple who is not able to communicate about the difficult things is not going to be able to communicate about money, either. Therefore, the communication—or lack thereof—is the cause of marital problems. Money is just a symptom of the problem.

Maybe I’m speaking from a mountaintop where I’m blessed to have very similar views on money as my husband, but I fear that too many people are chalking up their marital troubles to “money” and not seeking to fix the true root of the problem.