Mr. Ramsey, I Respectfully Disagree

We have all heard it, many of us from America’s most prolific financial advisor: “Money is the number one cause of divorce in America.”

Not. True.

Money is like a thermometer that can reflect the health of a relationship. The biggest struggle about money is that we all come with baggage and beliefs about how money should be spent, saved, and handled. These beliefs generally have deep roots and come emotionally charged because it is part of our human nature to see money as a representation of status, security, and the control we are able to exert over our lives.

In marriage, we are vulnerable to being challenged about our status, security, and sense of control over our lives. When we choose to live with another person 24/7, we give up a little of the control we felt when we were single. We now depend on that person and they way they handle money for part of our security, and their status affects ours. And the trouble is that they grew up seeing money differently than we did.

Imagine Couple A. Husband A grew up in a family where money seemed to grow on trees, so he thinks nothing of spending a large portion of the month’s income on entertainment. Wife A grew up in a family that scrimped and saved and budgeted down to the last penny. Wife A is soon going to feel very insecure about the well-being of her family, while Husband A is going to feel restricted by his “tightwad” of a wife. He may fear that she will try to control him in other aspects of their marriage. She fears they won’t be able to enjoy life because of money trouble.

If Couple A never sorts through the beliefs and fears they have about money, then money will become a problem in their marriage. But is the money the problem? Or is it the inability to get to the bottom of their vulnerabilities and expectations about money? When Jesus says that the root of all evil is money, I don’t think He means the money itself. I think He means the way we deal with money—idolization, refusal to let go of our beliefs and let Him work on how we handle it. Often, I think God allows us to be shaped and challenged by our partner so that we can grow.

I think the couple who is able to sort through the emotional mess that is represented by money is the couple who is able to sort through the issues in all the other areas of marriage as well. The couple who is not able to communicate about the difficult things is not going to be able to communicate about money, either. Therefore, the communication—or lack thereof—is the cause of marital problems. Money is just a symptom of the problem.

Maybe I’m speaking from a mountaintop where I’m blessed to have very similar views on money as my husband, but I fear that too many people are chalking up their marital troubles to “money” and not seeking to fix the true root of the problem.